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Dumb Things I’ve Done!

Dumb Things I’ve Done!

A long time ago I was dating this girl Jen. Oh god how I loved her. I was freshly divorced and it was nice to spend time with a girl that actually seemed to like me.

Some women can marry a guy, have a kid, and still make her husband feel like he’s important. Now, men know we’re not important but we’re fragile creatures so it’s awesome when a women can fake The Colorado Belle and Tropicana Expressthat she really gives shit about us after having kids. When they can’t fake it, divorce happens, or the guy stays married, cheats and eventually becomes a serial killer. I did all three. But, that’s another story….

This is about stupid things I’ve done. So back to Jen and I. By this time I wasn’t working any more. I wasn’t cop any more, I hadn’t yet started selling cars. I was depressed, but was too young and stupid to realize it. So I spent months spending every day with the girlfriend. She eventually moved in. She worked I gambled to pay the bills. Really! I actually did ok for a while. But, my luck changed. I could win for anything. Every trip to Laughlin ended in defeat.

We would stay at the Ramada Express. It’s now the called the Tropicana. If we were lucky we’d get the room comp’d and maybe a nice lobster dinner. This one trip, we were broke, had enough for gas money home, not even any food money. So I get this bright idea. I am gonna get our meal for free!

In our room, I break a glass. I take a sliver of the glass with me. I put it in some tissue and into my pocket. We walk across the street to the Colorado Belle. We head upstairs to their diner and order our meal.

I had it all planned out. Towards the end of the meal, I very slyly take the sliver out of the tissue. I poke it in to my lip and gums, enough to make me bleed. I reach for my glass and bring it to my lips and then as the waitress is walking up to the table, I drop the glass on the table and say, “Ouch!” It was very convincing, I didn’t scream it, just said it loud enough that if the waitress wasn’t watching me, she would be now.

She immediately comes over to my table and I say that something cut my lip. I reach to my mouth and between my lip and gums I pull out the tiny glass sliver on my finger. “Is that glass! Did I just cut myself with a broken glass!” The waitress looks horrified and says she’ll come back with the manager.

A few moments later the waitress and manager are back. He’s looking at me suspiciously. I can’t figure out why. I don’t look like a criminal, I was well dressed and my performance was first rate I must say. I keep it up saying things like, “Do I need a shot?” “Our meals are ruined!” The girlfriend got in to it to saying, “I’ve lost my appetite now.”

The manager still looking at me suspiciously and says, “I am very sorry this happened, I can’t imagine how it happened. Sir, do you still have the sliver?” I show it to him on the table in it’s little napkin. He inspects it. He looks confused, then says, “Sir, allow us to comp your meal. But, I just don’t get it.”

I ask him what’s not to get? Glass, cut, blood, it’s pretty simple. Still looking at me. The manager replies, “Well, it’s just that your drinking glass is plastic. We don’t serve any drinks in actually glass. I can’t imagine where it would have come from.

“Well I don’t know where the hell it came from either! But, I do know that I am bleeding and I am not in the habit of spontaneous bleeding! Jen, let’s go!”

We left 5 bucks on the table for the waitress and got the hell out of there before the manager figured it out.

Lesson learned here. When attempting to scam a free meal with the old sliver of glass trick. Make sure the establishment actually has glass in it.